iTunes’ Top 25 Downloaded Songs Ever are playing on an endless loop in Hell
So the big “tech” news this morning was that iTunes has hit the ’10 billion downloaded songs’ mark. For the past couple weeks, Apple had a count-down (count-up?) to 10 billion and whoever was lucky enough to actually download THE 10-billionth song would win a $10,000 gift card to Apple (although a $10 billion gift card would have made more sense; sack up, Apple!!!!). Anyhow, a guy from Georgia downloaded a Johnny Cash song this morning and hit the jackpot. Woohoo for that guy! And woohoo Johnny Cash! I didn’t want to hear how the 10 billionth song ever downloaded from iTunes was from Vanilla Ice or some crap (that’s what the kids are into these days, right? Those damn kids and their damn hammer pants and damn snap bracelets and damn pogs!!!!)
Seeing as how “this guy won the $10,000 gift card and you didn’t” isn’t quite enough to fill in an entire story, Apple also added in a few more interesting factoids, including the 25 songs that have been downloaded the most times in iTunes history. And let me tell you…be sure you don’t have any loaded pistols around when you read this list.
Turns out that “I Gotta Feeling” by the Black Eyed Peas is the most downloaded song on iTunes EVAR. This song title, for anyone who’s ever heard it, is shortened from its original title “I Gotta Feeling This Song is the Most Offensive and Terrible Piece of Crap ever Recorded inna Studio”. Haha. Just kidding, Black Eyed Peas. It’s not the “most offensive” or “most terrible” song. I heard that song this morning. The excellently-named Gabe Delahaye over at Videogum.com posted the new earbleed-inducing Ke$ha “video” “Blah Blah Blah” which makes “I Gotta Feeling” look like a thoughtful thesis on melody and societal norms by a group of NYU post-graduate students. Careful – the following video is NSFYS (not safe for your sanity).
OMG, you guys!!! I mean, barf! Ugh. Good thing I had a Pepsi Max here to help me choke down the vomit. Too bad that won’t help the shattered screen on my laptop that I just punched.
Can somebody explain to me how anybody on the face of the Earth could ever not hate this? Also, I am ashamed to live in Denver now, thanks to Denver-based band 3OH!3 having completely flushed what little street cred they had down the crapper by appearing in this video. Good work, 3EW!3. Now The Fray is officially Denver’s biggest band again (another awful and overrated band who appears on the forthcoming list with one of their lite-rock “let’s see if we can sound just like Creed” whinefests, so it’s not as if The Fray “wins” or anything).
By the way, I’m still waiting for some enterprising computer expert to create a modded keystroke that looks like a middle finger that I can replace that idiotic dollar sign with that Ke$ha uses in her “name”. She’s obviously implying that she’s “money” (is that what the kids are calling it these days?) but from the look of the video, maybe Ke¢ha just needs money for shampoo so she can take a hot shower. Somebody scrape the grease off of this skank, please.
Anyway, here are the 25 most downloaded songs ever from iTunes:
1. Black Eyed Peas, “I Gotta Feeling”
2. Lady Gaga, “Poker Face”
3. Black Eyed Peas, “Boom Boom Pow”
4. Jason Mraz, “I’m Yours”
5. Coldplay, “Viva La Vida”
6. Lady Gaga, “Just Dance”
7. Flo Rida, “Low”
8. Taylor Swift, “Love Story”
9. Leona Lewis, “Bleeding Love”
10. Ke$ha, “Tick Tock”
11. Rihanna, “Disturbia”
12. P!nk, “So What”
13. Katy Perry “I Kissed a Girl”
14. Beyonce, “Single Ladies”
15. Katy Perry, “Hot N Cold”
16. Kanye West, “Stronger”
17. T.I. feat. Rihanna, “Live Your Life”
18. Plain White T’s, “Hey There Delilah”
19. Flo Rida, “Right Round”
20. Miley Cyrus, “Party in the U.S.A.”
21. Journey, “Don’t Stop Believin'”
22. Lady Gaga, “Bad Romance”
23. Kings of Leon, “Use Somebody”
24. Owl City, “Fireflies”
25. The Fray, “How to Save a Life”
Hoo boy. Where to begin? Let’s start with the few dim points of light in the midst of the sea of crushing blackness. I’ll admit it – I don’t hate Lady Gaga. She’s the only artist with three spots in the top 25 and I don’t hate her, as much as I maybe should. But she’s kooky and zany and she’s got the weird-ass hats and her hair is a phone and let’s not forget bubble suit. And when she’s not goofing around, she can sing pretty frickin’ well. So I don’t hate her. Also, Journey? How did this happen? When “Don’t Stop Believin'” is one of the only songs on a “top-whatever” list that I could possibly endure for any length of time, that pretty much sums it up. And then there’s a Coldplay track in there, even though Viva La Vida is an incredibly-mediocre selection and probably not even in my top 50 Coldplay songs. But at least it’s ok. ¾ yay.
The rest of the list couldn’t be any worse if Lucifer warmed up his fire-and-brimstone Les Paul and added in a recording of him strumming a few bars of “It’s a Small World” with a baby kitten skull as a pick. You’ve got another Black Eyed Peas – “Boom Boom Pow”, which gives BEP two out of the top three spots (you’re encouraged to develop musical taste ANNNNNY time now, Planet Earth)….
that terrible Jason Mraz with his disingenuous Jack Johnson impersonation…
the INCREDIBLY overrated Taylor Swift (who outed herself to the entire world as a dreadful singer when she bombed her duet with Stevie Nicks at the Grammies)…
Katy Perry (the original Lady Gaga, who was briefly a big star because she implied that she was a huge hot mess of a lesbian, but is now pretty much known as “that frigid bitch who guest judged American Idol that one time and hated everybody”)…
Flo Rida (because we all know that what the world desperately NEEDED last year was a hip-hop cover of “You Spin Me Round (Like a Record)”)…
the Plain White T’s (“Hey There Delilah” probably resulted in a few thousand snap-decision suicidal car crashes into telephone poles)…
Miley Cyrus (maybe the first “musical” “artist” in history whose whole life has been entirely engineered by a soulless corporation (Disney)). “Party in the USA” doesn’t make me even consider partying, unless by “partying” you mean “putting a shotgun blast through my car radio”…
and finally there’s Owl City, a group whose lead singer sounds so effeminate that my 2 1/2 year-old daughter could probably kick his ass and whose big hit “Fireflies” makes Dave Matthews Band sound like GWAR.
All that’s left to say is “where the razor blades at?” Seriously, I think if you play these 25 songs in a row in one sitting, the “horrible-as-shit” vibrations filter through the ether and awaken the armies of Beelzebub. I guess that if there’s one thing that this list should teach us, it’s that mainstream music is just going to get worse, if that’s even possible. If these are the songs that bring in the big bucks to record companies, then these are the kind of songs that are going to continue to be recorded. Why sink a wheelbarrow full of money into a hard-working, up-and-coming alternative band or acoustic artist or small-town rock band when you can just dress the Black Eyed Peas in yarmulke-wearing robot suits, have them fart in a can and set it to a slammin’ drum beat, and hope to God that Fergie doesn’t wet herself on stage (which she has done)?
And if you think it’s bad now, just wait another 7 or 8 years, when tween girls argue over which is the greatest singer ever: Miley Cyrus or Ke¿ha, Britney Spears is dismissed as “too old”, Nickleback is considered “hard rock”, and Metallica are “those old guys who play too loud”. Enjoy the few bright spots of today’s hemorrhaging music industry while they last. You don’t EVEN wanna know who’s going to be the nominees for “Album of the Year” in 2015. I don’t want to give it away, but I’ve been there in my time machine and let’s just say that one of them rhymes with “Doo Doo Golls”…